As I think about the thousands of ads there are in a single magazine, I cannot help but wonder, Why should I really care that Hulk Hogan uses speed stick deodorant, or that Preparation H is doctor recommended? These are problems that many people suffer from, but they are not necessarily the kind of thing that sticks in anyone’s mind for more than about 30 seconds. However, there is a new wave of marketers that has stepped up for the challenge to gain the attention of desensitized generations raised in front of glowing monitors of blood, pain, suffering, and sex. So, pull up a chair, turn off the tube, cross your legs (if you are a male you will soon anyway), as we are about to unleash the top-selling items for 2011.
Golf putters and walking sticks are a constant man pleaser. You will find these in just about every die-hard hunter magazine across the country, usually strategically located next to the exotic genuine moose dung earrings, but we won’t even get into that. Now, I know what you are probably saying, big deal, right? These are not the usual putters and canes, however. These putters and canes are made from the “entire reproductive organs of a grown bull.” This is a product that will grab a person’s attention, and perhaps even motivate them to show a friend, hang on their school locker, or pin on their office managers back.
Picture a poor little bull huddled in the far corner with his knees clenched in pure panic, crying, “Made from what?” I couldn’t help but feel my own voice box creep up my throat, as the very thought began to cross my mind. Below is an actual picture of these products (which are being impressively balanced by an innocent little girl), of which I must admit puzzled me for a long while. However, I soon dismissed it with a simple, How should I know what it would look like anyway? Yesterday’s credit card bills seem like a wet willy in the ear compared to what this painful humiliation must have been like. I just had to know who would do such a thing, why, for how much, and most importantly… what herbal male enhancement has this bull been taking?
This brings us to another trend in the market today, male enhancement pills, seen everywhere from television to popular magazines. Bigger will always be better, or so it seems. These ads picture a down-and-out loser of a husband, picked on by his boss, teased by his friends, shunned by his own family… you know the story. Then this poor sap of a man gets a hold of a few male enhancement herbs, and bam… kapow! Superman is unleashed upon the world, filled with confidence, self-assurance, and most notably… a very happy wife.
A happy wife indeed, and what better to go along with her newly endowed husband than a pair of her very own endowed breasts. Fortunately, for her, she has even more options here than her male counterpart does. Modern science has brought women their very own mixed herbal blend of vitamins guaranteed to produce larger breasts. If the woman just wants a taste of what enhancement out of life bigger breasts could offer, Victoria’s Secret is always there to lend a helping hand with their exclusive wonder bra line. Women have learned that it does not matter if the breasts are natural or half water filled balloons; as long as they depict themselves to the world with the proper social expectations long since learned by undressing her favorite Barbie for bedtime.
The point I am trying to make is that we live within a species that focuses on imperfection, oddities and perversions, probably since the beginning of time. So why shouldn’t we give the people what they want? Why do you think that they made six Nightmare on Elm Street movies and only one Ghondi? People are entertained by others misfortunes and imperfections, which has ultimately been commercialized with the onset of reality TV. You cannot even change the channel without either seeing a poor soul ingesting pounds of live worms, or getting their heart broken on live television by a woman they spent one date in the living room of millions of dedicated watchers.
This is where I must part ways with kind commentary to these great products and point out some obvious obscenities to the commercial market. Who in their right mind would buy a bull’s freeze dried sexual organ for one hundred dollars a piece? It would sure seem much more cost effective to visit the nearest ranch to gather a few ‘shafts’ yourself. Furthermore, what is this process of preserving such a miracle of nature? All men like to brag, but I must admit that I cannot imagine using that as a third leg, or slamming a golf ball 300 yards down a fairway.
I shouldn’t even have to mention the fact that a few scratches of bark off an ancient tree in the jungles of Sabu, Africa, mixed with the semen of a one-eyed baboon with thirty fingers and toes, is not worth eighty dollars a month. Common sense tells us that none of this stuff is going to work as it claims, yet with the expense and popularity of such ads, someone is buying it. If it is not you or I, then please make it your dedication for the day to save at least one friend who is about to make a very poor decision tomorrow.
These ads have proven to be extremely effective tools in grabbing the attention of today’s desensitized market audience. However, they miserably fail to give their actual worth, and it is up to you to read past the bull (no pun intended) and not be taken by their clever advertising. These marketers have mastered the art of attention, now all we need are some worthy products, and I think we will be on to something. Perhaps if these companies had spent more on the research of the product itself and a little less for the marketing, these would have been as useful as the once popular pet rock, but then again, maybe they are.
(Photo via Longhorns Head to Tail)