Ever wonder which female celebrity would fit you best if you had the opportunity to hook up with one? Well, come on down, you’re the next contestant on… The Celebrity Dating Game! The show where your dreams (or worst nightmare) can become reality! We have for you five young celebrity hotties, none of which has had the likes a ‘decent’ guy in months, so its up to you to fill that space! Here are the rules of play:
You will have three rounds of questions and answers from which to help choose which celebrity bachelorette best fits your personality. After you choose, you will be swept off via dreamland express on an all expenses paid storyline describing your date in detail. But be very careful with your choice, some of the contestants are a bit more hot than the others… okay, a whole lot more hot!
Round One
Bachelorettes, what is your best idea of a romantic date?
- Bachelorette #1: “Well, I have never had much luck with romance over my life, but if I were in charge of a date, it would begin by giving him a ride in me beloved Bentley. Then I would find a quaint pub to go hide in the corner and talk. If we hit it off, I’d let him drive my Bentley back to me place… and…” (shrugs her shoulders as a guy in the audience screams, “yeah!”)
- Bachelorette #2: “I love music, so I would want to go to see a concert at a hip Hollywood club. Perhaps The Damnwells, as they always put on a great show and make me feel like letting go of myself. If things went well, I would let him hold my hand and dance with me… then if he played his cards right, he just might get a goodnight kiss.”
- Bachelorette #3: “Wow, that is a tough one. If I knew him really well and we were somewhat of an item, I would treat him to my own lingerie show. I would let him choose the outfits he would like to see, put on some cool jazz, and… yeah!” (guy in audience comes back with another robust “yeah!!”)
- Bachelorette #4: “This may sound strange, but there is like nothing more romantic to me than making out after an all out cat and dog fight. You can take all that balled up fury and frustration and just attack each other and go at it until your so tired, you forget what you were even fighting about.”
- Bachelorette #5: “I think dating can be torture, so I like to keep everything simple for the first couple of weeks. I think romance is fostered in the simple things, such as taking a walk, going shopping, or even just sharing a cup of coffee.”
Round Two
Bachelorettes, do you have any distinguishing tattoo’s you could tell me about?
- Bachelorette #1: “Yes I do, I have a little pink heart on my hip, angel wings on my back, a star on the back of my neck. Uh, skull and cross bones on me ankles. (laughs) I recently found a keyboard tattoo on the inside of my right arm. I have no idea when exactly it got there, or by whom, or what it even means. I don’t even know how to play chopsticks.” (she giggles)
- Bachelorette #2: “Well, I don’t usually display it very often, but since you ask, I do have a personal tattoo I had done several months back. It is of a sun setting over the sea with tiny stars dancing across the sky. It on my left arm. It basically serves as a reminder that I must always challenge myself as both a woman and an actress, and kill my buttons (fears).”
- Bachelorette #3: “Certainly many men should already know the answer to this, as I am not too shy when it comes to showing skin (men in the audience hoot loudly). But since this is less of a ‘show’ than a ‘tell’, I would have to say no, I don’t have any tattoos. But if you ask nice, I might just let you apply a temporary one—somewhere…”
- Bachelorette #4: “I used to get bored looking in the mirror naked and seeing the same thing day after day. To keep life exciting I began getting various tattoos all over my body. One of my favorite pieces right now is my pin-up girl. I’ve got several—I’ll show you mine if you show me yours…” (a wave of “ohhhh’s” waves through the audience)
- Bachelorette #5: “I am very proud and confident of who I am and I do not need a tattoo to express that. If I want to change something about my body I just die my hair brown. That is plenty of excitement for me. Even my own family hardly recognizes me with brown hair anymore.” (low disappointing murmur from the audience)
Round Three
What would you say was your sexiest body part and why?
- Bachelorette #1: (laughs) “Well, me bosoms are quite lovely. But as I truly believe that the eyes are the windows to our soul, my hazel eyes are probably what you would notice first… at least I would hope so.” (laughs along with the audience)
- Bachelorette #2: “I am actually very comfortable with all of me. My sexuality, body… face. Well, sometimes I’m not as comfortable with my face, but it’s stuck there and there’s not a thing I can do about that. At least I’ll always have plastic surgery to fall back on.” (laughs, as audience is strangely quiet)
- Bachelorette #3: “I would have to say that my sexiest part is my soul, which includes my charisma, ambition, humor, and intelligence. I don’t see body parts themselves as necessarily being sexy. It is who you are inside. You could have the most beautifully body in the world, but if you have an ugly soul, you’ve got nothing.” (women in the audience clap)
- Bachelorette #4: “My hair is definitely one of my sexiest features. I can do just about anything with it… spike it, swoop it, beehive it, and then mop up my bathroom floor with it. I am really a very multi-versatile girl.”
- Bachelorette #5: “I don’t think much about my appearance. I actually think focusing too much of your energy on looks is boring. But as I am sure that is not the answer you and the audience were looking for, I will say that my butt and thighs get more press coverage than my career on some days.”
Now is the part where you must choose your favorite bachelorette for your big date. Who will it be:
(Choose your favorite Bachelorette below and then follow the storyline to your dates description…)
a) Bachelorette #1: The audience claps loudly as Kelly Osbourne comes stampeding around the wall and tackles you to the ground with a big teddy bear hug. You gasp for air, then faint from shock and the lack of oxygen! When you awake, you are riding in the back seat of a Bentley. You look around the cozy, plush surroundings and think to yourself, ‘this isn’t going to be as bad as I thought’. Suddenly you feel the brakes drag the Bentley to a standstill. A pair of feet hit the ground and the rear door slowly opens. Sharon Osbourne peaks in and looks you up and down, murmuring, “he’ll do.” Three burly bodyguards grab you and begin to drag you through a cheering audience. Through the blinking lights, you begin to make out a figure in the distance beckoning you forward. You are spun around and Kelly gives you a big wet kiss, spearing lipstick and black makeup all over your face. You are pulled up on stage. You look up and see Ozzy smiling down. You begin to smile back as he opens his mouth to an ungodly proportion and begins to suck your head into his mouth. You struggle to break free… chomp!
b) Bachelorette #2: Twilight Zone music begins to play over the studio loudspeaker. You drop to your knees and begin to pray for a quick ending. Then, as all hope seemed lost, Scarlett Johansson swings around the corner and gives you a big hug. You hardly have a chance to blink away the tears of joy as the two of you are whisked away on a private jet to Mona Island, forty-two miles off the west coast of Puerto Rico. The sun warms your face gently as you step off the plane and are met by two bodyguards with concerned, constipated expressions painted on their faces. “Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett,” they whimper. “The reservations for your guest have been canceled.” She pats them gently on the back, before patting you playfully on the rear. “Set him up in my room, would you boys,” she says with a wink. “And don’t forget the whip cream!”
c) Bachelorette #3: Techno music begins to pulse through the stage speakers as Alessandra Ambrosia does a catwalk across the front stage wearing her Victoria Secret Angel costume. You begin bobbing your head to the music with a big smile, as several other angels, Izabel Goulart, Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima, Karolina Kurkova, and Selita Ebanks carry out a chair fit for a king and push you into it. As the girls wave large ostrich feathers across your body, Alessandra turns, focusing her attention on you, and begins to confidently strut in your direction. Upon reaching you, she swings her leg up onto your shoulder and begins to give you one of the most erotic chair dances the world has ever seen. When she is finished, she then leans down and whispers quietly in your ear, “Wanna come home for the climax?”
d) Bachelorette #4: Snickers can be heard from most every audience member as Amy Winehouse peeks around the corner with a toothless grin that only a mother could love. You can see that she is holding a half eaten cabbage in her left hand. Your eyes dart about for the quickest escape route as she drunkenly limps your direction. “Wait a minute,” you exclaim. “Aren’t you married or something like that?” She picks out a giant chunk of rotten cabbage from between the gap in her teeth, smiles, and slides a red Spiderman ring on your finger, “I thought you’d never ask!”
e) Bachelorette #5: It’s the moment of truth at last. Your hands are sweating, your heart is pounding… then a big burly bald guy rounds the corner holding out his hand for a firm handshake. You stand paralyzed as visions of bowl-legged midnight jail love sessions crash across your glass filled heart. “This is Renee Zellweger,” he says firmly, as he gestures towards a small silhouette behind his broad shoulders. “No touching, smooching, flirting, staring, or dancing—have a good time kids!”
(originally appeared in Urban Male Magazine)