The night felt…
- Sultry (go to A)
- Lonely (go to Z)
- Strangely quiet (go to C)
A) I stepped out of the cab and entered through the doors of the Mandalay Bay. Spying around the layout, I could tell that the heat was taking its toll as a group of three ladies walked around me wearing spandex miniskirts and laced up bustier tops. Feeling pretty confident, I adjusted the collar on my black Pierre Cardin button down shirt and looked briefly down…
- Towards my zipper to make sure that it was all the way up (go to D)
- To make sure the rolled-up sock inside my jeans had not started down my pant leg (go to E)
- And thought to myself, why the heck am I wearing this Pierre Cardin shirt (go to Y)
B) As I approached I could tell that her breasts had exploded out the top of the bustier and she was frantically trying to put it back into the cup which was obviously too small.
- “You’re never going to get that back in there,” I said while unbuttoning my own shirt. “Here, take this…” (go to M)
- Seeing this as a once in a lifetime chance, I whipped out my cell phone and began taking pictures like a post lobotomy patient on Viagra (go to L)
C) I looked around my barren room at the Golden Nugget and realized that I was all alone. Trying to remember the events of the day that had lead me here, I could remember a girl named Fondue, lots of drinks… and now I could feel an empty chill over the space of my right butt cheek where my wallet used to be.
- I grabbed the fifty I had left on the stand for the maid and headed out the door to Club Pure (go to V)
- I sat for a moment and began to remember bit and pieces—then it all came to me like a rush of Himalayan snow during an avalanche. I was leaving a bar when I bumped into a woman stepping out of a stretch limo… (go to L)
D) Well, yeah it was, but the entire front of my pants was covered with dripped vanilla ice cream stains from the ride over in the cab.
- I looked over at the luscious woman and thought the heck with it and began to walk in her direction (go to H)
- Thinking quickly I grabbed the copy of the Las Vegas Strip, tucked it under my arm and casually held it over the front of my pants and approached her confidently. “Hi, haven’t I seen you someplace before?” (go to O)
E) Just as I grabbed a hold of the sock to make a quick adjustment, one of the girls with the mini-skirts had dropped back from the group and was adjusting her breasts inside her pink and black top.
- As the gentleman that I am, I made my way up to her to see if I could offer my assistance to the matter (go to B)
- She was bending over and pushing up on her bustier with a shimmy, so I dropped to the floor to tie my shoe and made a casual glance up her skirt (go to W)
F) “Hey,” she interrupts my train of thought. “Would you like to go to a private party upstairs with me and my friend?” My expression turns hesitant. “All the girls from Deal or No Deal are going to be there and they have been looking for a gentleman escort to show them around town.”
- “I don’t know. I just got in town myself and don’t know the layout real well.” (go to K)
- “Sure, let’s step to it.” I blurt (go to R)
G) “Why thanks,” she said. “You should see me when it’s cold outside and I’m returning from a wet t-shirt contest.”
- “Actually,” I said. “I think I’d rather not…” (go to X)
- “Yes, you must be quite the vision…” (go to F)
H) As I reached her side, she was still busy attending to her girls. She saw my shadow extended across the floor and peered directly over towards the stains on my pants.
- I laughed, “Yeah, I think I went a bit overboard on the hair gel tonight…” (go to X)
- “I spilled ice cream on me on the way over here,” I said. “Do you need a hand with that? (go to I)
I) “Well, from the looks of things,” she said. “You must not be real good with your hands, so I think I can handle this one all by myself.”
- “Suit yourself,” I say (go to N)
- “I understand. I am an absolute klutz and would not deserve the company of a woman as fine as you.” (go to P)
J) “I was just about to make all your dreams come true until you said that.” She smirks coyly. 24 minutes, 17 seconds later we were making out in the restroom of the Golden Nugget with the intensity and motion of an Alaskan fisherman digging a hole on a frozen lake with a dull ice pick. We never exchange names, but I figured I would learn more once the photos were published on her website. THE END
K) “No worries,” she winks. “You’re in good hands and we shall take good care of you.” Five minutes later I was toasting champagne with the entire female cast of Deal or No Deal. Just as one of the happiest moments of my life was about to unfold, the door breaks down and ten LV cops storm the place. “Alright everybody,” The cop hollers smugly. “Strip and spread ’em.” I was about to unbuckle my pants as the cop calls out to me, “Not you partner, we’re going to need a hand with some of these body cavity searches if you don’t mind.” THE END
L) “You stupid or something?” She asks. “Do you have any idea who I am?” At that point a group of secret service agents surrounded me, push me to the ground and handcuff me. “What should we do with him” asks the lead agent. “Heck, I don’t care,” she grunts. “Put a wig on him and throw him in the limo with President Clinton—I’ve got to catch up with Chelsea and her friend.” THE END
M) “Why thank you kind sir,” she said with a Southern draw. “But what are you going to wear now?”
- “I don’t know—but you might look pretty good on me though,” I said with a wink, handing her the shirt. (go to J)
- I haphazardly flexed my triceps as I removed the final sleeve from my arm and handed her the shirt (go to T)
N) I turned to walk away as I felt a hand grab my arm and a harsh feminine voice say, “Your place or mine?”
- “Both”, I said. “You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” (go to S)
- Stopping with a grin, I turned in her direction. “Yours will do just fine.” (go to R)
O) “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore,” she scoffed jabbing her breasts into her brazier cup and began walking and calling after her friends to wait up. Thinking perhaps this was not exactly my place to get lucky tonight, I decided to…
- Head over to Club Pure (go to V)
- Tuck my Strip Las Vegas magazine proudly under my arm and… (go to U)
P) “Wait,” she calls apologetically. “Did you mean everything you just said?”
- “Psych!” I laugh. “I just wanted to make out; doesn’t anyone do that anymore without all this song and dance?” (go to R)
- “Yes I did, you are the most beautiful woman I have seen tonight and I would love to dance with you.” (go to Q)
Q) “But I don’t want to dance with you.” She says matter of fact.
“Come on, lower your standards a little bit and lie—I just did!” I say with a confident smirk.
Staring at me for several moments, she eventually begins to laugh. “You’ve got a lot of courage you know that and that usually means you’re skilled in the other areas. Let’s get you out of those clothes and into something a little more comfortable.” THE END
R) Feeling a hand sweep through the back of my hair, I turn to see the ugliest, most muscular man wearing a blonde wig I had ever seen in my life. Grabbing my hair, it bowled me over onto the floor and dragged me out the door for what seemed to be several yards before we came to a thick patch of shrubs. I cried, “I’m not a girl!” It just chuckled, “No matter, I’m not either!” THE END
S) “Wait,” she urges. “At least let me make it up to you with a mediocre kiss.”
“Mediocre,” I cry. “Why can’t I have a good one?”
“Don’t push your luck,” she smiles to reveal a mouth full of metal braces and green rubber bands. THE END
T) Looking over my body, her tongue began to appear out of the front of her mouth. She made a soft groan while handing me back the shirt. “Here, I think you need this much more than I do.” I went back to my empty hotel room after that shameful moment and did 10 sit-ups and ate 11 ice cream cones. THE END
U)… head to the first restroom I could find. When I opened the door, I was pulled through a time warp and ended up in a toilet stall of the Golden Nugget. Feeling an eerie presence in the stall, I tried to stand up to leave and was unable to move. Looking around to see what was holding me; I noticed two hairy hands on my waist and attached to them was a security guard. “Oh, thank you,” he cries looking up towards the ceiling. “Thank you!” THE END
V) Club Pure was really bumping. The DJ was in high spirits and the crowd appeared to be 90% female. As I approached the dance floor a brunette pulled me into the frenzy of dancing people and her and her girlfriends began to gyrate to the beat. Getting excited I grab for the brunettes hair and her wig falls to the ground where it is quickly swept away by the crowds feet.
“Britney, Lindsay, Paris, Nicole—what are you guys doing here?” I exclaim.
“Wanna make a video?” Britney rubs her bald head against my chest. THE END
W) All I could see was a baggy pair of Sponge Bob men’s underwear. Just at that unfortunate moment she caught my eyes looking in her direction and she grins.
- I quickly dropped my shoe laces and swung around towards the door and saw a lonely young woman leaning against the wall smoking. I thought of a smooth opening line and made my approach. “You look… (go to Z)
- I stood up, dusted off my knees and exclaimed, “I’ve got a pair just like that…” (go to G)
X) With a stunned look on her face, the woman frowns and looks at me with disdain, “You mean you didn’t wait for me?”
- “What are you talking about?” I ask (go to J)
- Unable to think of a comeback, I smile and shrug my shoulders (go to L)
Y) I knew I could have made out with this delicate creature standing before me. What she didn’t know is that I was more interested in getting back to watch my taped episode of Oprah. I quickly pulled my “I Love Richard Simmons” t-shirt over top my Pierre Cardin and headed back to my hotel room. THE END
Z) Lonely like a hillbilly starlet wearing a Depends diaper, drinking a glass of prune juice and eating a raw cabbage wedge. It was certainly lucky that I met up with this little lady because it was sure going to beat sifting through old ash tray bins looking for spare change. I ended up spending the rest of the evening playing toilet bowl battleship with her in a hotel room. I lost all nine games, but kept a few of my sunken battleships as a souvenir for my trip back home. THE END
(Originally published in Las Vegas Strip Magazine)