In todays economy we are instilled with the notion that we all must get a job. We’ve got to pay our own way or end up curled in some urine stained back alleyway next to Britney Spears, playing, Bet you can’t find where I hid the roadkill squirrel. But to be honest, there are occasions when a job doesn’t offer much more than this. When a hard working citizen chooses chicken guts over glory, flatulence over fortune, and hazardous waste over humility. It is these hardworking folks that we celebrate today. We honor them with a hardy pat on the back, $8 bucks an hour, and a tarnished, two-bit, tin metal engraved with, “Somebodies got to do it… glad it’s not me!”
10. 10-Key number analyst– This luxurious job consists of sitting in either a dim cubicle, or on the hard dirty floor of a department store counting stocks of granny panties (or whatever) and entering them in a 10-key digit calculator. The job starts at $8.25 an hour, but of course you can always work your way up from there to find yourself 10-20 years down the line making $16 to $20 an hour. But that will probably only barely cover your weekly visits to the chiropractor, psychiatrist, carpal tunnel syndrome therapist, and those special visits from a woman named ‘Bambi’, who’ll still sleep with you no matter how lame your job is.
9. ‘Spring Break’ Hotel Maid– Minimum wage ($8/hr) has never looked so bad! After picking up soiled towels off the floor, you will have to flush the toilets of these slobs, who appear to have misread the plaque that says “tips accepted” as… (well, we won’t go there). Speaking of a tip, you’d be more likely to star on an episode of Deal or No Deal than receive one solitary dollar from these animals. Stay in school kiddies!
8. Britney Spears Bodyguard– All the above ‘Spring Break’ Hotel Maid duties, with the added responsibilities of baby sitting (Britney, mostly), hate mail sorting, crowd monitoring, tantrum negotiations, and daily panty checks. The pay is $2,400 to $3,350 a week… but with the number of recent bodyguards who have quit this job, it is obviously not enough!
7. Urinalysis Monitor– We have all seen the movies with an onlooker collecting urine samples for a drug test. They must watch each individual very carefully to ensure that it is indeed their own pee. Day in and day out is watching people drain their waste fluid into a cup and then preparing a small sample to be sent to the laboratory for results. The really good ones learn tactics to coax the individuals who get “stage fright”, such as dipping their hand in warm water. The bad ones make extra money by selling their own urine to the folks who have no chance of passing. At $8.25 an hour, 20 to 30 hours a week, plus their own mandatory urine tests, this is almost never a ‘planned’ career decision!
6. Body Cavity Search ‘Attendant’– The human body has between five and six body cavities from which a person can store paraphernalia, such as cigarettes, drugs, and weapons. To catch these super sleuths, somebody needs to ‘go in’ and thoroughly investigate these areas for any goods other than the normal ‘goods’ they would most likely find in the process. These folks salaries are paid by the state, so $950 a week makes this a second best to the Britney Spears babysitting job… but due to its ‘crappy’ nature, the state can shove this measly sum up its own body cavity as far as most are concerned.
5. ‘Kill Room’ Attendant– This poor soul spends the majority of their life watching chickens get slaughtered through a patented killing machine that ‘processes’ each chicken that has been ‘tenderly’ hung by their feet. Processing refers to the stunning, killing, de-feathering, and chopping of the meat for distribution. The occasional heroic bird will dodge certain death to arise victoriously alive, but to no avail as they are only met by the Kill Room Attendant for a congratulatory personal killing via a dull cleaver knife. At $400 per week, this is one time when being a bum is actually a second thought.
4. ‘Stench’ Tester– If you were one of those nerds who would get held down on the school playground while the local bully would sit over top of your face and pass gas repeatedly, then this job will certainly not offer any fond memories. Stench testers are used for deodorant research labs as well as gastrointestinal research facilities. These are the guys with the small paychecks ($400 a week) whose job is to tell the guys with the big paychecks ($1,500- $3000) what stinks. One thing in for sure, their job sure stinks! But at least it’s just the smell, without the mess…
3. ‘Road Kill’ Scraper– Imagine how bumpy our highways would be if it weren’t for these dedicated men and women who scour the roadways looking for dead animals to scrap off. For $14 an hour you too can cruise the open highways in a flatbed truck looking for fresh meat. The summertime is the worst season for this occupation, as the heat combined with rotting flesh and intestinal gases has been known to explode the belly of one of these poor creatures all over the driver while dragging them to the truck. Thankfully, most of them carry a handkerchief for just such emergencies.
2. Farm Animal Semen Collector– We’ve seen some comparative jobs in the porn industry, but somehow the same application on a farm animal just seems… wrong! This occupational wizard was probably absent during “Career Day” in Kindergarten. They basically make their living sexually gratifying animals for their sperm, in order to use it in artificial insemination, testing, etc. Not many have admitted to this job, so the exact salary is unknown, but it’s probably safe to say that it is nowhere near the salaries of the equivalent ‘knuckle shuffling’ porn star. Kind of makes you wonder how much self training was necessary to qualify for the job!
1. Hazmat Diver– Toxic sludge comes in the forms of sewer material, toxic chemicals, trash, and anything else disgusting and vile you can think of. For about $750 to $1,000 a week, a trained professional diver may make his or her living suiting up in thick rubber with a full face mask, and diving into a sea of sludge in order to repair pipes, collect samples, or do whatever else needs to be done. The highly insulated suit reaches temperatures of 90 degrees Fahrenheit, which thankfully only allows the diver to safely stay ‘down’ for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. Did I mention these folks are trained divers? Coral reefs vs. digested Taco Bean burritos, angel fish vs. glowing nuclear biohazardous waste… yeah, that must have been a tough career choice!